The first time I looked at this question, I found my self reading it completely and totally different. I had actually sat here staring at it thinking. Ok… I know 40 is to some considered to be old… but why are they asking me about being old.

I think that's one of the first signs of it, it being "oldness" (yes I know it's not a word, but this is my answer and if I so choose to make up words than I can and do reserve the right to do so). Anyway, I think one of the first signs of "oldness" is when you read things and see your age implied in them.

Today I read an article about them reintroducing the Commodore 64. The person who wrote the article talked about being 6 when the Commodore came out. I kind of grumbled, as I was 12. Well, actually, I more growled than grumbled, as grumbled indicates whiniassyness. Where growling is more of a pissedoffiness. I don't remember agreeing to this whole growing older thing. In fact, for years I had stayed steadily at the age of 30. Quite content with that number as it readily seemed to fit me. Old enough not to be a dumbass in my 20's and young enough to still get into certain aspects of trouble without being deemed too old. Grins, well you get the picture.

But here I stand at 40 and I have decided that I am not much in admiration of the number. It is rather an odd looking duck on the screen. It does not accurately reflect how I feel. So I think I shall abandon it. I am told every day that I do not look 40, that I carry myself much younger and that there is no way that I can be such an age. Personally, I think it was all those years drinking diet soda like water. I have preserved the body. Laughs…

So from this day forward, I shall be… fiddles with a variety of acronyms before landing upon one… I shall simply state that I am me. I am a FANN of who I am…Fantabulous Age of Nondescript Nature. That shall be my reply. I am not my age. I am the person who stands or in this case writes before you. I am crazy. I am loving. I am insecure. I am ferocious. I am laughable… I am frightening. I am amazing. I am creative. I am broadly spectacular in a rather understated way. Chuckles… when you figure that one out… then perhaps you will explain it to me… as it so readily fits me.

But I do digress. What is it the oldest thing I own? My wit, my creativity, and my sheer stubborn nature. My love for those who matter. My love for those who don't. My ire for things that are ever so wrong. My passion for things that are ever so right. Me… this broadly spectacular woman.

I am soooooo mad at him right now. I want to scream at him… don’t you fucking care that you are hurting me with this? What did I do? Why the fuck don’t you want me anymore? Every single day I look at myself in the mirror and try to figure out what I did. What made him detest my touch? what made him crave her instead of me?

Yes I do know about them… SHE told me… she told me that they were active together. So apparently I am the discard… no longer wanted and desired… she is the young ____ he wants. Do you know how hard it is for me not to hate her with every fiber of my being? How hard it is for me not to hate him for all of it?

I love him… so very much… but I NEED to be wanted sexually. I need that part of the relationship as well. He taught me that I deserve someone to love me and want me in every way. Sadly I have learned that he no longer does want me in every way… and I am wrestling with all of it.

Bad habits… me… nah… never… I am positive perfection. Chuckles, alright, let's get serious. When is the last time you ever met someone who doesn't have bad habits?

But then again, habits, good or bad are in the eye of the beholder. If I do something that I personally feel is good for me, but that you deem to be a bad habit, should I replace your view for my own? It would depend on who YOU are I guess. Although, unless you are someone majorly important in my life, I am the person I have to live with, so if I don't have a problem with my habit, who gives a damn if you do?

I know, that sounds utterly hostile, but I have learned that way too often people are ready to step up and say, that's a bad habit. You should change… yet they really aren't willing to look at themselves.

You know, I have some habits that I personally would like to change, but no one else told me to change them. Will I change them? Who knows, only time will tell. What are they? Yeah right I am going to broadcast to the world things that I don't like about myself… talk about exposing one self to a load of wonderful yet completely unsolicited advice.

So I shall take my little silly habits and find my little corner of the world. Remember, unless you don't like them… or your spouse doesn't like them… it is really nobodies business if you change them.

We as a society are too wrapped up in the idea of controlling everything.

As to my recurring dream… describe it… laughs… I don't think so… some things are best left to me… my pillow… and that loverly delicious man who unknowing shared those moments with me.

The coolest thing I have ever seen in the night sky is there all the time… but I remember with fondness when I first learned how to identify the constellations. I learned them as part of teaching at an outdoor summer school and they have stuck with me ever since. Something about the first time you know that you actually know the names and where they are located makes it one of those moments that will forever stick with me.

For me right now that crap is a variety of assorted things… from various court appearances, to phone calls from collection agencies, to me trying to figure out how to get my daughter to replicate a dollar bill… alright yes the third one isn’t happening, my daughter isn’t that good of an artist… although at 8 I think she’s amazing.

Alright… yep I know that we still are stretching to get to the burrito… I guess we will just have to settle for the fact that when I went to the freezer tonight to look for something to cook I contemplated making a frozen burrito… still might… I don’t know, it’s awful late to be having dinner.

You know, I think you can often tell those who have a lot of money from those who are just barely making it… the one’s who are just barely making it often have the wider waistlines… let”s face it, cheap food is not as healthy for you and adds to the diameter of the hips.  You would think that wouldn’t be that case, you would think that if you were broke your dress size would decrease as you couldn’t afford to eat.  But nope… cheap food is high in calories… low in nutrtional value and light on the wallet.  At least in the present, the here and now.. in the long term the expansion on the bum will end up costing more than the food ever did in the first place.

Woo HOO I finally figured out how to incorporate the damn burrito from the title… if it weren’t for the debt, I wouldn’t have frozen burritos, which are cheap, in my freezer.  Takes a massive bow and dances about in her chair… thank you … thank you very much.

Sighs…this is the world today. There was a time when the phone stopped ringing at 9p.m. so you pretty much were left to the family and the TV. Now there is the computer….it sits on your desk… or even in your lap. It calls to you and tells you that somewhere out there, there are people waiting to speak to you. ORRRRRR you find yourself sitting there typing on the proverbial blog… journal… wiki… whatever, explaining the latest whoopdy doo thing you did on (insert game or other computer driven activity here).

Am I complaining about this… nope. It’s all fine and good to me. Life is being lived…even if it is through the electronic means. I talk to people from around the world. I know more people today than I did yesterday and tomorrow I will meet more. I have close friends…I have acquaintances. When all is said and done, the computer does one thing that we as humans have failed to do…it breaks down walls. People have a tendency to look with their eyes and judge. A friend may never be made because we looked at someone and say something that just didn’t work for us. Yet, with the computer we are talking before we see with our eyes. We are reading the words…the thoughts… the emotions… Sure some people can and do lie their asses off via the computer… yet… how is that different from when someone who tells you a lie to your face?

Ah well…I need sleep and I am going.

What I have a tendency to do here is just rattle and let my thoughts stick to the screen persay.  I guess you could say this is mental masturbation.  Here I am completely and totally letting whatever runs through this little brain of mine move down my arms and through my fingertips onto this little screen.

You know sometimes…do we do this simply because we are desperate to share our thoughts…desperate to put them out there but are afraid how society will, in fact, embrace them.  I have other blogs…the one’s where I edit and I am careful as to what I say…they have my name…they have my picture…they are the one’s that could be tracked back to me.  Although I guess if you think about it…all of them can.  I don’t know…maybe I feel like I can speak freely here because I have not identified…I have not stood on the mountaintop and proclaimed ownership.  and yet…. which is me?  which of the blogs is the one that is me…